I was a senior in high school in 2011. I had applied early decision to all of my schools and waited in anticipation of the results. I remember lying on my bed one night, imagining all these scenarios of how I’d picture my life the following semester, getting into this school or that school, coming home for Christmas, falling in love with a sweet college boy (never happened btw) but little did I know that my life was about to change completely in the following year when I moved to Korea by myself…
I’m here six years forward, preparing for the next step, and kind of where I was six years ago. It’s 1:13am. I caught myself imagining the crazy scenarios again. Possibly saying goodbye to my beloved Korea. Running into old Dallas folks. Imagining the new faces I’ll meet that year. Learning how to drive? Actually finding a man this time (and not a sweet college boy lol), paying for my own stuff and having my own place!
November has been that crazy month for me. That crazy, I don’t know what’s going to happen month but these past six years are proof that it just gets better. I’ll check back on this on November 2023 (?!!!) to follow through. So far has been a sliver of grace, and there’s a reservoir waiting for me. I believe it.
is a Korean word that can’t be accurately and completely translated into English. My best translation would be,
a sweet and endearing fondness and care for someone, whom you know well or are getting to know
I think it’s funny how sometimes your 정 for someone can increase as they’ve disappointed or hurt you, as you’ve seen more of their flaws and what makes them really human.
It shatters the ideas of the person you had in mind and instead brings life to this more complex and clumsy human, who you can more easily relate to than before. Who you can find comfort knowing that you don’t suck alone. This person sucks too.
It brings a fondness because you witness some of the weakest parts of this person, freeing you to show the weakest sides of you. And if you have an upsurge of 정 after seeing their mess, it’s hoped that they would somehow see the gold in your mess too.
정… it’s a powerful force of love.
I have to admit I’ve forgotten I come from a house of fire. People filled with undeniable joy and hope in the unseen. I’ve definitely forgotten how that feels and what it means to live it out a hundred and ten percent.
It felt almost foreign being in the environment today. The shouting, the energy, the amount of zeal. Almost new but just familiar enough to ride along and remind myself. “No fear in love, boldness is our DNA, freedom is our banner…”
It felt refreshing. New. A little odd because what we see in front of us is not like the old. What we long for is also not the old but something we cannot see. We’re in this limbo phase of knowing there’s more, waiting for it to unravel, believing that it will happen, without anything else to latch onto but that promise alone. Stretching. And discouraging at times. But definitely growing and deepening.
I love this house. Not only for what it has done for me but also because its purposes and visions align so well with the desires of Kingdom and my heart.
Isaiah 61. Ring inside each of us, and echo on through.
So the last hour has been pretty intense.
There were only five of us today, ready to go to meet our client in Jamsil. I had the files. I was excited. We walked out. All of the sudden he yells out hey get your own cab, us three will ride with him. He took the files from my hands and got in the car without looking back. He didn’t even tell me the full address.
Immediately I did what I do best during a crisis- TAKE ACTION. FORGET FEELINGS. I immediately got in a cab with my partner, told the taxi driver the address except he couldn’t even understand what I was saying due to his age and hearing. We left that one and got into another one. Told this guy to hurry please with a bit of impatience in my tone.
I thought the worst had come but it wasn’t over yet. Taxi guy messed up the directions so we took the wrong turn. During the many stoplights we encountered, I reflected on what had just happened. I sat there critizing my boss for his asshole move. Why were my partner and I even going? He had the files. He didn’t even need us to go. I was upset, impatient at the driver and my partner who kept asking questions, and strongly disappointed in my boss and the entire legal/ business field itself.
We arrived a good ten minutes late to the meeting so we were directed to the waiting room instead. I am here, sitting with my partner. Dumbfounded at the ruthlessness of what just happened. Wishing I had brought a book or something. The view up here is nice. Apartments look like lego toys. The Han is not sparkling due to the fog in the air.
This is the life of a wide-eyed intern under a ruthless lawyer boss.