Me. May 2018.
Me. May 2018.
many many thoughts tonight…
today I woke up with a nasty taste in my mouth. I could barely swallow my own saliva. It’s probably because the air has been so bad here in Seoul. When I tried to talk (to the Ajussi/old man in my building), my voice came out all groggy and husky.
YES!!!!!!!!!! Lord knows I love husky voices. Its silly but I really wish my voice could stay like this for a while. Cause who doesn’t like husky raspy sexy voicessss???!!!!
i like riding trains
So sometimes it baffles me at how incompetent or immobile I become in front of guys. No I’m talking like just men in general- like the specie itself kinda makes me freeze. I mean of course not all the time but like that one time when that guy came over and introduced himself, i couldn’t feel my hands. it wasn’t even a serious conversation. But the entire time I kept thinking my god please brain do not fail me now. it especially doesn’t help if they are cute. which this guy…mm. was okay.
I can’t remember if I was always like this but it makes me feel like such a girl! such a little girl at that. and it’s like wow suz, you’re twenty three dammit, pretty sure you had more game in high school than you do now. sometimes when my brain freezes, i see a map with all these dots over the place and I’m trying to find where is what and which is which.
the reason why this baffles me is because I know there is this completely different beyonce Suz inside me who knows she gotta it goin on you know. This is the suz that is on top of the game. This is the suz that doesn’t laugh at his jokes if they’re not funny, or the one that doesn’t play dumb to be “cute,” which I still don’t get why we girls do that. If this Beyoncé Suz came out during the convo up there, I’m sure things would’ve been different. The contrast of these people…. is mind boggling to the point where I feel like a fraud. identity theft up in here.
yes, I’m initially terribly shy. but I think the more frustrating thing is this tendency to be a bit shyer or more submissive in front of men, even when Im aware of my Beyoncé self. Is it a women thing? why do we fall back or quiet ourselves in their presence?