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six things for june

side note- can’t believe i was in japan a whole MONTH ago. i cry

  1. my brother is moving to austin this upcoming year! to keep it short, this is like breakthrough for him because these past two years have been rough. excited for him and for life in general…
  2. i wish GOD could just hurry things up sometimes or just hand me whatever it is i need. i feel more and more to just be in the waiting, to just keep delighting, to keep persisting in what is here and now. not gonna lie, every day is a struggle. sometimes every hour of the day.
  3. fadjflksad;flfklf. fear makes you do stupid things. so unfortunate. yeah i cant articulate it other than just dlfjk;dfds
  4. oh right- i dont believe men and women can ever be just friends. EVER
  5. every time my mom texts me i want to cry. cry because i miss her a lot, but also because i want to give her some kind of good news that’s happening in my life but there’s not much going on. hence, nothing to really talk about.
  6. i wish i knew had to swag dance, not just get down on the dance floor occasionally dance. when i have kids, they’re going to be dancers so i can live out my dreams through them. also wish i could drum too. been thinking about investing in a keyboard. or drumming lessons.

i think these might be a series

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not just to graduates

“Do all the other things, the ambitious things — travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) – but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness. Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial. That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality — your soul, if you will — is as bright and shining as any that has ever been.”

 

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for the days I forget

So long story short, I missed my flight from Osaka to Seoul. Sigh. It’s okay I’m over it. I’m writing this at the airport, just had ramen for lunch and my check in isn’t until one thirty.

I’ll probably do a recap of my Japan trip later but I just want to document this moment and the theme that blanketed this trip. I feel so strong about this because it’s pivotal to my emotional happiness and vision of who we are and what we are becoming. 

Personally, I sometimes forget who I am, my values and preferences while being with other people because I try to please or go with the flow of the group. It’s one of my flaws and I’ve finally come to terms with it. I feel like a fraud because I wonder if I’m being authentic to who I am and then I’m like, who really am I?? It’s frustrating to doubt yourself because you’re not in control in that moment.

Because I spent so much time by myself on this solo trip, there was no one to please or accommodate. I could be selfish but more importantly, just be the person that I am without being self conscious, like how I get super intense when I’m running late (although I am late often lol and try not to show that I am stressed in front of other people), that I am much more down to earth than the dreamers and wanderers, that I thought I didn’t have a sweet tooth but ended up eating more sweets than real food lol, that I’d much rather spontaneously find places to see and eat than planning beforehand (although I like spontaneity within the plan too), etc.

After walking around Kyoto, I stumbled upon this long street away from the main shopping area. It was quiet, there were outdoor cafes, restaurants and luxury spas lined up on the sides. I could hear Japanese voices, laughs and cars going to and fro. Trees surrounding alleys. I had Bon Iver and Lauryn Hill on and I felt sooo free and alive. The entire ambiance, the weather, the aesthetic, NO CROWDS!… it was a breather and relaxing stroll that was probably my favorite part of this entire trip.

Suz, whenever you feel like a fraud or are faced with your weaknesses, I want you to recall this moment of being fully immersed and happy with the person you are and becoming… that you are still being formed and cultivated like plants and other greens! You are still you- incomplete, messy, down to earth, “quirky,” pretty weird and kinda clumsy but it’s ok. No need to put labels and tabs over yourself. It’s okay to be both or neithers. This is my palette

So back to being authentic and “being you,” I think it’s cousins with self acceptance. It walks hand in hand with grace- grace for yourself with the grace you’ve been given. It’s silencing accusations and laughing at yourself when you miss your flight. I wish I could package this post nicely and end it with a nice “so just be you!!!” but I can’t because it’s not that easy sometimes. Belief in yourself and authenticity will be one of those things we keep cultivating, remembering and growing in because we are humans. Breathing, changing, nonlinear, messy and peculiarly beautiful living and growing organisms. Living and growing!!!

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from j

picture of me cupped in his great big hands floating across the water 

never asks you to do something that you feel no peace about

first love was fire filled, but this one is tender and sweeter. 애뜻해지면서 roots go deeper 

trials will come but won’t be swayed because of this defining and solidifying moment and season

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post grad update? 

Such a creative title hahaha. 

So these days have been pretty mundane, although the in betweens are usually mundane and routine. My weeks consist of meeting people, studying, eating, sleeping… lol a lot of free time honestly.

I’ve been in kind of a rut though and I can’t help but feel guilty and lazy these days. I’ve been trying to find a part time job for the past month, actively asking and applying online for editing, admin, private tutoring or anything, but nothing seems to be landing. Studying for LSAT has also been pretty discouraging this week. I’ve been feeling both overwhelmed and unqualified for not only the test but also the entire legal field. 

I’m constantly wrestling with feeling inadequate because I’m not moving or creating or advancing. It’s a part of how I see myself and my worth. But I felt God unpacking this truth more and more for me this past week… the truth that my worth is solely from Jesus and him alone. It doesn’t make sense to me how someone’s worth can be from another man’s worth- he who is blameless and perfect. How can my soul and purity just leech onto His soul for foundation, source and power without me doing anything? I could just lie in bed all day and my value as a person would not change. (Probably not wise but you get what I mean.) Love must be a lot stronger and sturdier than I thought. I can trust and rely on it to be the entirety of who I am, because I definitely can’t rely on myself for all things. 

Yesterday a friend enlightened me by saying that maybe God simply just wants me to enjoy this limbo time, meeting up with people and preparing for the future from a place of rest. I’ve been so consumed with feeling like I’m falling behind and trying to save money now! Prepare now! Study now! Future now! … that I kind of missed the point of “preparation” itself. 

And then I’m like, God what if all this preparation doesn’t work out? What if your promises look different than what I had imagined? But that’s another post for another day. Right now, it’s the attitude and posture and essential basic truth of worth and quality of who I am that I should focus on, and that everything else follows from there on. Grace and truth alive in me… wrapped in love. 

Also look at my brother sent me a couple days ago. Hahahaah ❤👏🏿 Keepin it real.

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gold!

 

It feels good to breathe again.

I studied abroad in England back in Spring 2015, and it’s been about two years since then. Ever since then, I felt very uncomfortable being back in old environment and I found myself wrestling with what was truth, what I had believed in all this time. Wait, is God really good? How do I know that? Yeah he met me supernaturally four years ago, but what about now? Little did I know that God was taking me on a journey of deeper inner healing and mending me in parts I didn’t know I was broken…

Weeks and months and quite possibly a whole year and half… It’s easy to gloss over time like this but the in between days are the most excruciating periods when you’re filled with intense doubt and cynicism of the world, of people around you, of God himself and deep, deep hopelessness about who you are. There were mornings when I felt like I couldn’t get up to do anything. No exaggeration. Even eating and taking care of myself were chores, and although I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to live for the rest of my life, I honestly didn’t know what else to do.

And as I sat in my hopelessness, I started to demand answers for everything, from big to personal… How come the church doesn’t celebrate and embrace me like when I first came? Why is there so much hate in the world… you must not exist. How come there were so many times I felt misunderstood when I was young? Why do I still feel awkward with my dad, God? I thought you were for us! How come I was born with impaired vision on one of my eyes God! I thought you made me whole! Do you not love me enough to give me a full healthy body? How come you gave me no gifts or talent?! God, you’re unfair in the ways you create people… you’re unfair and not good to me. You were not thinking of me when you died!

Cynicism only gets you so far… because there’s a giving up and surrendering we have to do as humans. We don’t have that much strength as we think we do, and we can’t freakin fix ourselves even when we try with self- help books, or finding escape in hobbies and music. And my cynicism was my self- defense from confronting the things that really hurt and allowing God to inject more love in me as a daughter and person.

Giving up and surrendering isn’t a “Oh whatever!” giving up. It’s a victorious cry that shouts, I know you’re for me ANYWAY, I can love and forgive ANYWAY, you’re good to me God ANYWAY. And this ANYWAY is weighty, it’s one that’s felt the hurt and has come to terms with what is. It’s rooted in Jesus. Who HAS made everything whole, who gives hope NOW! Who has conquered every possible fear and doubt you could have because he is alive now and for you now!

And I wish that when I gave up these things that God would have mended me right then and there. But people are not robots and things take time. Especially fragile things like your history, your thinking patterns, your view of life and yourself. You have to understand your why’s and your reasoning in order to fully comprehend God’s incomprehensible love for you. You get me? It’s like knowing the full diagnosis in order for the full surgery. Someone special gave me a verse a year ago- Job 23:10. At the time, I didn’t believe her or what the verse promised. There was no gold I saw… just things that were undone and unfinished. But I can finally say for myself and not just take other people’ words as my truths… that there is really gold at the end. I can’t help but cry when I think of these past two years because they were so, so hard (and if you know me, I usually don’t complain about things when they’re “hard”- I think that’s for pansies. lol.)… but he has been committed to me when no one else was… He’s the source of who I am and the foundation on which I stand.

There’s a quote I read that spoke to me during the times I wanted to call it quits. But God is so good to us in the sense where you actually can’t quit; it’s called Grace and it has a hold on you whether you like it or not.

“Hopelessness is a thief, one that is often welcomed into Christian circles in the name of discernment. This deceptive influence must be marked and recognized as a tool of the enemy. If ever there was a season in all of history that the people of God need to believe we’ll see the glory of God, it is now. God’s people are to be known for their hope, regardless of circumstance, perhaps more than most any other virtue. As one of our own, Olivia Shupe once observed ‘The one with the most hope will always have the most influence.’ And we have good reason for it! God’s goodness wreaks havoc on despair, depression and hopelessness.”  – Bill Johnson (God is Good, He’s Better Than You Think)

“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” – Job 23:10

There’s hope and there’s gold…

 

 

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