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wait what?

So the last hour has been pretty intense.

There were only five of us today, ready to go to meet our client in Jamsil. I had the files.  I was excited. We walked out. All of the sudden he yells out hey get your own cab, us three will ride with him. He took the files from my hands and got in the car without looking back. He didn’t even tell me the full address. 

Immediately I did what I do best during a crisis- TAKE ACTION. FORGET FEELINGS. I immediately got in a cab with my partner, told the taxi driver the address except he couldn’t even understand what I was saying due to his age and hearing. We left that one and got into another one. Told this guy to hurry please with a bit of impatience in my tone. 

I thought the worst had come but it wasn’t over yet. Taxi guy messed up the directions so we took the wrong turn. During the many stoplights we encountered, I reflected on what had just happened. I sat there critizing my boss for his asshole move. Why were my partner and I even going? He had the files. He didn’t even need us to go. I was upset, impatient at the driver and my partner who kept asking questions, and strongly disappointed in my boss and the entire legal/ business field itself.

We arrived a good ten minutes late to the meeting so we were directed to the waiting room instead. I am here, sitting with my partner. Dumbfounded at the ruthlessness of what just happened. Wishing I had brought a book or something. The view up here is nice. Apartments look like lego toys. The Han is not sparkling due to the fog in the air. 

This is the life of a wide-eyed intern under a ruthless lawyer boss. 

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There’s a new momentum I feel these days. A new rhythm that’s been taking me and leading me somewhere… somewhere. There’s less fear in dabbling with things I cannot see, there’s a strange boldness to tackle and to butt heads and fight. There’s a deeper resilience with a higher trust in things above. There have been signs. Signs of good things, new things happening to people around me, and I’m taking them as signs for myself, victories I claim as my own.

We’re moving, going somewhere… don’t know exactly where but… somewhere.  

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six things for june

side note- can’t believe i was in japan a whole MONTH ago. i cry

  1. my brother is moving to austin this upcoming year! to keep it short, this is like breakthrough for him because these past two years have been rough. excited for him and for life in general…
  2. i wish GOD could just hurry things up sometimes or just hand me whatever it is i need. i feel more and more to just be in the waiting, to just keep delighting, to keep persisting in what is here and now. not gonna lie, every day is a struggle. sometimes every hour of the day.
  3. fadjflksad;flfklf. fear makes you do stupid things. so unfortunate. yeah i cant articulate it other than just dlfjk;dfds
  4. oh right- i dont believe men and women can ever be just friends. EVER
  5. every time my mom texts me i want to cry. cry because i miss her a lot, but also because i want to give her some kind of good news that’s happening in my life but there’s not much going on. hence, nothing to really talk about.
  6. i wish i knew had to swag dance, not just get down on the dance floor occasionally dance. when i have kids, they’re going to be dancers so i can live out my dreams through them. also wish i could drum too. been thinking about investing in a keyboard. or drumming lessons.

i think these might be a series

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not just to graduates

“Do all the other things, the ambitious things — travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) – but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness. Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial. That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality — your soul, if you will — is as bright and shining as any that has ever been.”

 

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for the days I forget

So long story short, I missed my flight from Osaka to Seoul. Sigh. It’s okay I’m over it. I’m writing this at the airport, just had ramen for lunch and my check in isn’t until one thirty.

I’ll probably do a recap of my Japan trip later but I just want to document this moment and the theme that blanketed this trip. I feel so strong about this because it’s pivotal to my emotional happiness and vision of who we are and what we are becoming. 

Personally, I sometimes forget who I am, my values and preferences while being with other people because I try to please or go with the flow of the group. It’s one of my flaws and I’ve finally come to terms with it. I feel like a fraud because I wonder if I’m being authentic to who I am and then I’m like, who really am I?? It’s frustrating to doubt yourself because you’re not in control in that moment.

Because I spent so much time by myself on this solo trip, there was no one to please or accommodate. I could be selfish but more importantly, just be the person that I am without being self conscious, like how I get super intense when I’m running late (although I am late often lol and try not to show that I am stressed in front of other people), that I am much more down to earth than the dreamers and wanderers, that I thought I didn’t have a sweet tooth but ended up eating more sweets than real food lol, that I’d much rather spontaneously find places to see and eat than planning beforehand (although I like spontaneity within the plan too), etc.

After walking around Kyoto, I stumbled upon this long street away from the main shopping area. It was quiet, there were outdoor cafes, restaurants and luxury spas lined up on the sides. I could hear Japanese voices, laughs and cars going to and fro. Trees surrounding alleys. I had Bon Iver and Lauryn Hill on and I felt sooo free and alive. The entire ambiance, the weather, the aesthetic, NO CROWDS!… it was a breather and relaxing stroll that was probably my favorite part of this entire trip.

Suz, whenever you feel like a fraud or are faced with your weaknesses, I want you to recall this moment of being fully immersed and happy with the person you are and becoming… that you are still being formed and cultivated like plants and other greens! You are still you- incomplete, messy, down to earth, “quirky,” pretty weird and kinda clumsy but it’s ok. No need to put labels and tabs over yourself. It’s okay to be both or neithers. This is my palette

So back to being authentic and “being you,” I think it’s cousins with self acceptance. It walks hand in hand with grace- grace for yourself with the grace you’ve been given. It’s silencing accusations and laughing at yourself when you miss your flight. I wish I could package this post nicely and end it with a nice “so just be you!!!” but I can’t because it’s not that easy sometimes. Belief in yourself and authenticity will be one of those things we keep cultivating, remembering and growing in because we are humans. Breathing, changing, nonlinear, messy and peculiarly beautiful living and growing organisms. Living and growing!!!

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from j

picture of me cupped in his great big hands floating across the water 

never asks you to do something that you feel no peace about

first love was fire filled, but this one is tender and sweeter. 애뜻해지면서 roots go deeper 

trials will come but won’t be swayed because of this defining and solidifying moment and season

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