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for the days I forget

So long story short, I missed my flight from Osaka to Seoul. Sigh. It’s okay I’m over it. I’m writing this at the airport, just had ramen for lunch and my check in isn’t until one thirty.

I’ll probably do a recap of my Japan trip later but I just want to document this moment and the theme that blanketed this trip. I feel so strong about this because it’s pivotal to my emotional happiness and vision of who we are and what we are becoming. 

Personally, I sometimes forget who I am, my values and preferences while being with other people because I try to please or go with the flow of the group. It’s one of my flaws and I’ve finally come to terms with it. I feel like a fraud because I wonder if I’m being authentic to who I am and then I’m like, who really am I?? It’s frustrating to doubt yourself because you’re not in control in that moment.

Because I spent so much time by myself on this solo trip, there was no one to please or accommodate. I could be selfish but more importantly, just be the person that I am without being self conscious, like how I get super intense when I’m running late (although I am late often lol and try not to show that I am stressed in front of other people), that I am much more down to earth than the dreamers and wanderers, that I thought I didn’t have a sweet tooth but ended up eating more sweets than real food lol, that I’d much rather spontaneously find places to see and eat than planning beforehand (although I like spontaneity within the plan too), etc.

After walking around Kyoto, I stumbled upon this long street away from the main shopping area. It was quiet, there were outdoor cafes, restaurants and luxury spas lined up on the sides. I could hear Japanese voices, laughs and cars going to and fro. Trees surrounding alleys. I had Bon Iver and Lauryn Hill on and I felt sooo free and alive. The entire ambiance, the weather, the aesthetic, NO CROWDS!… it was a breather and relaxing stroll that was probably my favorite part of this entire trip.

Suz, whenever you feel like a fraud or are faced with your weaknesses, I want you to recall this moment of being fully immersed and happy with the person you are and becoming… that you are still being formed and cultivated like plants and other greens! You are still you- incomplete, messy, down to earth, “quirky,” pretty weird and kinda clumsy but it’s ok. No need to put labels and tabs over yourself. It’s okay to be both or neithers. This is my palette

So back to being authentic and “being you,” I think it’s cousins with self acceptance. It walks hand in hand with grace- grace for yourself with the grace you’ve been given. It’s silencing accusations and laughing at yourself when you miss your flight. I wish I could package this post nicely and end it with a nice “so just be you!!!” but I can’t because it’s not that easy sometimes. Belief in yourself and authenticity will be one of those things we keep cultivating, remembering and growing in because we are humans. Breathing, changing, nonlinear, messy and peculiarly beautiful living and growing organisms. Living and growing!!!

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