Such a creative title hahaha.
So these days have been pretty mundane, although the in betweens are usually mundane and routine. My weeks consist of meeting people, studying, eating, sleeping… lol a lot of free time honestly.
I’ve been in kind of a rut though and I can’t help but feel guilty and lazy these days. I’ve been trying to find a part time job for the past month, actively asking and applying online for editing, admin, private tutoring or anything, but nothing seems to be landing. Studying for LSAT has also been pretty discouraging this week. I’ve been feeling both overwhelmed and unqualified for not only the test but also the entire legal field.
I’m constantly wrestling with feeling inadequate because I’m not moving or creating or advancing. It’s a part of how I see myself and my worth. But I felt God unpacking this truth more and more for me this past week… the truth that my worth is solely from Jesus and him alone. It doesn’t make sense to me how someone’s worth can be from another man’s worth- he who is blameless and perfect. How can my soul and purity just leech onto His soul for foundation, source and power without me doing anything? I could just lie in bed all day and my value as a person would not change. (Probably not wise but you get what I mean.) Love must be a lot stronger and sturdier than I thought. I can trust and rely on it to be the entirety of who I am, because I definitely can’t rely on myself for all things.
Yesterday a friend enlightened me by saying that maybe God simply just wants me to enjoy this limbo time, meeting up with people and preparing for the future from a place of rest. I’ve been so consumed with feeling like I’m falling behind and trying to save money now! Prepare now! Study now! Future now! … that I kind of missed the point of “preparation” itself.
And then I’m like, God what if all this preparation doesn’t work out? What if your promises look different than what I had imagined? But that’s another post for another day. Right now, it’s the attitude and posture and essential basic truth of worth and quality of who I am that I should focus on, and that everything else follows from there on. Grace and truth alive in me… wrapped in love.