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The land will know too

(inspired by Adrienne Rich and Allen Ginsberg)

The clouds are heavier today
Filled with woe fear why’s where’s
I come down from my home to see
The land that used to be – mine

I came to explore the land
The words are purposes
The words are maps
I came to see the damage that was done
And the treasures that prevail

A recycled foe
Created before the Jurassic age
Infesting the land with symptoms of
Grief Hate
Revenge

What is the system
That shouts justice but does not fight
What is the system
That shouts voice but does not listen

Moloch
Moloch of the age
Moloch of unrest
Moloch of violation by dumpsters and easy murders in a public bathroom and club floors and airports and theaters
Twenty minutes of action
What is the system
And what is the land

But there is a roar
In blinding light that can quiet the land
Can refurbish the land and the cosmic and beyond
That can
That can
That can
New gardens
New rivers
New cities and stars
And new anthems and new words
These words are purposes
These words are maps

There will be no foe
And there will be no system
Moloch
Fizzled Moloch, from the roars and the breath
From the light and the weight
Moloch
Is dead
Moloch
Is not a promise

The galaxies and the vastness beyond
They know of the roar and the light and the voice
They know a new anthem a new banner
a new cry a new image
And soon the land will know too
The land will know too

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Uncategorized

Just be

I’m always itching to write but I put it aside because well… life. This one is something that has been on my mind for quite a while and I am excited to share it, but I do feel hella nekkid.

Maybe this is something we learn as we grow up or maybe I’m just late to catch it and you’ve known this since you were 5, but how many times do you go home after hanging out with a group of people or a friend and feel…….. super dissatisfied? Like you didn’t say everything you wanted to or express your inmost self and just be all that you are?

Yes, some conversations and hangouts fall flat for a number of reasons: lack of chemistry, feels too forced, actually socially awkward people, ppl not in the mood, etc. But I’m talking about the ones that are somewhat organic and there’s a decent amount of trust + fun + mutual nodding going on.

I’ve definitely gone home feeling disappointed, half- filled as if I had eaten a mediocre bologna sandwich for dinner and it wasn’t until recently I started to evaluate why. Surprisingly, before I could play the blame game for the other person(s) for being such sucky people for making me feel this way, I found myself pointing back at me. And eventually, after processing through the mixed emotions, frustrations and going far as to my childhood and remembering similar occurrences, I realized that deep inside, I didn’t respect myself or my words as I thought I did.

Growing up, I would humbly say that I was a confident kid. I threw dodge balls at boys first, stood up for anyone under injustice and always raised my hand in class whether I knew the answer or not. If I was wrong, I knew I was still better than the babies who were too scared to try. But somewhere down the road, this in- your- face confidence fizzled out and shriveled up like a prune. I realized that deep inside, in the truest, inmost part of me, I didn’t value myself or my words as before. I noticed that I compromised to the dominant personality in the group, catered to the conversation they carried and smothered my true feelings because… well… I genuinely didn’t think that I had anything meaningful to say.

And I know you’re thinking, “WHAT?! YOU? But you’re like the most extraverted person I know! And you always say what’s on your mind!” And that’s true. I am like the little energizer bunny and I’m not afraid to voice out that I’m hungry or cold. But energy levels are irrelevant to true colors and being hungry or cold are just basic human senses; they don’t represent who we really are and what we like, dislike, love, etc.

The perpetrator for all this is me- the inner critic me. The evil perfectionist, ready to smash anything I create, think, feel, voice etc. Unfortunately, this me is a part of me and will always be a part of me as long as me in here on earth. But I’ve been learning to shut up this inner critic me, and believe that I am valuable… that I should respect and believe in myself because if I don’t… who will?

It’s still a process I’m trekking through and I think it’ll be for a while. But through the days, I’m committing myself to stop compromising, catering and suppressing. And although sometimes I feel like I’m in denial or just lying to myself, I’m committing myself to believe the true value that I have as a person and to be whole- heartedly me.

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Uncategorized

On being a senior

I go to college in Korea and here, the academic year starts in March and ends in December. It’s March 2016, and I’m a senior. What?

It’s been two weeks since school started and I’ve noticed the most ubiquitous and newest addition on campus- the new freshmen. Digusting. Like I gag inside because I’m repulsed by their fresh out of high school selves. You just know who the freshmen are; they look fascinated, thrilled and obviously frightened with their nice folders and whatever. They wear nice clothes while I have three repeating outfits for the week. I’m disgusted at them because while they are undeniably adorable, they are the juxtaposing, constant- reminding, living proof of my seniority, age and looming future of the realfreakinworld.

What do you mean I’m a senior? What do you mean I’m going to graduate next year and become an actual adult and pay taxes and such? What do you mean I have to take my actions seriously and start building my career path? What does this all even meaaaaannn?

Before the waves hit and I’m bombarded with adult stuff like filing for jury duty and whatever else adults do, I still have a year left as an undergrad, which I’m realizing is the best place to be on earth. You’re given a good amount of freedom while technically under parent custody, which means you’re allowed to run out of money while traveling in Europe and also allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the night and holler on top of a car that you want your ex back because well… you’re in college. You’re only 21. You’re allowed to be the inner kid that you are.

I’m a senior now, but I still feel (and sort of look) like a puny freshman. And I still get lost on my way to class and still don’t know a thing about international law contracts. But I sure as hell am a lot more sure of myself, and maybe that’s what this whole college journey is really about. Cheers to the past three years and cheers to senior year :]

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Uncategorized

This actually happened to me

Today’s mishap was one of those things you would never expect to actually happen to you. It’s the same as having a bird poop on your hair or finding out that you’re pregnant from a regrettable night, mercyyyy.

This morning, I left my house with the intention of making it just in time for class like a good student. I took the elevator because I live on the 20th floor and just as it hit 16th, the elevator stopped working. It buffered for a little bit and I heard the frustration of the machinery trying to make its way down but it couldn’t. The struggle was so real. Eeeeeerrr. EEEEEEEE. eeeeerrrrr. And slowly, everything came to a stop. The elevator system started to beep and the emergency light went on. “Wow, Am I actually stuck in an elevator? Like seriously, is this actually happening to me?”

In the midst of the loud beeping and the Korean maintenance ajusshis yelling from outside that it’s going to be okay, I just stood there, silent and thought, “How does this actually happen to someone… and why did it have to be me today? Why? And why in the middle of the day when it’s totally not dramatic or scary like in the films…….”

But as much as I was baffled at how this actually happened, I was secretly overjoyed because it happened to me. How many of us can say they were stuck in an elevator for a good ten minutes by themselves? (Don’t raise your hand so I can prove my point.) I kind of wanted to make the most out of it so I thought about singing aloud or pretending to have a seizure just to freak out the surveillance camera dude watching me. lolllllllll I also thought about how glad I was to have some water with me and fantasized if this could turn out like those thriller films. But assure you, nothing happened and my exit was pretty unimpressive. The ajusshi’s came and helped me get out. I was late to class and told my professor at the end about what happened. She wasn’t convinced but whatever, she still counted me as present and the day went on. Either way, this actually happened and I’m really glad it did. The end.

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Travel

Vietnam

Back in late January, I went to Vietnam and fell in love with the lush greenness, constant and restless traffic of motorbikes, and the warmth of the locals in each city. If there’s one thing that stood out above the rest, it was the fact that Vietnam’s story is still being written and it’s zenith is drawing near. It’s only a matter of time until Vietnam will shine its true light and possibly outshine the rest of its neighboring countries in every meaning of light.

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