So sometimes it baffles me at how incompetent or immobile I become in front of guys. No I’m talking like just men in general- like the specie itself kinda makes me freeze. I mean of course not all the time but like that one time when that guy came over and introduced himself, i couldn’t feel my hands. it wasn’t even a serious conversation. But the entire time I kept thinking my god please brain do not fail me now. it especially doesn’t help if they are cute. which this guy…mm. was okay.

I can’t remember if I was always like this but it makes me feel like such a girl! such a little girl at that. and it’s like wow suz, you’re twenty three dammit, pretty sure you had more game in high school than you do now. sometimes when my brain freezes, i see a map with all these dots over the place and I’m trying to find where is what and which is which.

the reason why this baffles me is because I know there is this completely different beyonce Suz inside me who knows she gotta it goin on you know. This is the suz that is on top of the game. This is the suz that doesn’t laugh at his jokes if they’re not funny, or the one that doesn’t play dumb to be “cute,” which I still don’t get why we girls do that. If this BeyoncĂ© Suz came out during the convo up there, I’m sure things would’ve been different. The contrast of these people…. is mind boggling to the point where I feel like a fraud. identity theft up in here.

yes, I’m initially terribly shy. but I think the more frustrating thing is this tendency to be a bit shyer or more submissive in front of men, even when Im aware of my BeyoncĂ© self. Is it a women thing? why do we fall back or quiet ourselves in their presence?

on grief…

at the face of the death, we slow our pace and quiet our souls. We become like little children, quiet, wide- eyed, confused and instantly aware that the world is so much bigger and heavier than what we’d thought.

it’s times like these we realize not only the gift and fragility of life but also the gift of every individual, every living thing. Intricately hand crafted by the Creator himself. every person is an image of the Creator and his divine hands and persona. Every soul, that much more fearfully and wonderfully made. Every memory, good or bad is a piece of that person, in which the good far outweighs and erases the bad. They are celebrated for the person that they were; their unique laughs, mannerisms, presence… are all far too sweet and irreplaceable.

at the face of death, we are perplexed by His grandness, his omnipotence and his depth… that there must be a bigger picture to the end of one’s life, and that ultimately, it does not and cannot end here, what a tragedy that would be, that the end would really be the actual end. the Grief is undeniable, but I would like to hope and believe that Love- would be that much more tangible and ubiquitous than before.

at the face of death, we can only look to the one who feels the places in our own hearts that we can not articulate. Who expands himself to each of our needs… who, although we might resent for a while, will be who we face our deepest cries with, the mourning from the stomach up and deep within us… who we will undeniably rely and trust in again, solely because he is committed even when we cannot.

He will gently put a wrap behind our backs, and feel closer than before, in the face of utter despair. He will feel like our only option… he really is all we have.

To anyone out there in this time of passing, I send you my deepest condolences and love…