So sometimes it baffles me at how incompetent or immobile I become in front of guys. No I’m talking like just men in general- like the specie itself kinda makes me freeze. I mean of course not all the time but like that one time when that guy came over and introduced himself, i couldn’t feel my hands. it wasn’t even a serious conversation. But the entire time I kept thinking my god please brain do not fail me now. it especially doesn’t help if they are cute. which this guy…mm. was okay.

I can’t remember if I was always like this but it makes me feel like such a girl! such a little girl at that. and it’s like wow suz, you’re twenty three dammit, pretty sure you had more game in high school than you do now. sometimes when my brain freezes, i see a map with all these dots over the place and I’m trying to find where is what and which is which.

the reason why this baffles me is because I know there is this completely different beyonce Suz inside me who knows she gotta it goin on you know. This is the suz that is on top of the game. This is the suz that doesn’t laugh at his jokes if they’re not funny, or the one that doesn’t play dumb to be “cute,” which I still don’t get why we girls do that. If this BeyoncĂ© Suz came out during the convo up there, I’m sure things would’ve been different. The contrast of these people…. is mind boggling to the point where I feel like a fraud. identity theft up in here.

yes, I’m initially terribly shy. but I think the more frustrating thing is this tendency to be a bit shyer or more submissive in front of men, even when Im aware of my BeyoncĂ© self. Is it a women thing? why do we fall back or quiet ourselves in their presence?

on grief…

at the face of the death, we slow our pace and quiet our souls. We become like little children, quiet, wide- eyed, confused and instantly aware that the world is so much bigger and heavier than what we’d thought.

it’s times like these we realize not only the gift and fragility of life but also the gift of every individual, every living thing. Intricately hand crafted by the Creator himself. every person is an image of the Creator and his divine hands and persona. Every soul, that much more fearfully and wonderfully made. Every memory, good or bad is a piece of that person, in which the good far outweighs and erases the bad. They are celebrated for the person that they were; their unique laughs, mannerisms, presence… are all far too sweet and irreplaceable.

at the face of death, we are perplexed by His grandness, his omnipotence and his depth… that there must be a bigger picture to the end of one’s life, and that ultimately, it does not and cannot end here, what a tragedy that would be, that the end would really be the actual end. the Grief is undeniable, but I would like to hope and believe that Love- would be that much more tangible and ubiquitous than before.

at the face of death, we can only look to the one who feels the places in our own hearts that we can not articulate. Who expands himself to each of our needs… who, although we might resent for a while, will be who we face our deepest cries with, the mourning from the stomach up and deep within us… who we will undeniably rely and trust in again, solely because he is committed even when we cannot.

He will gently put a wrap behind our backs, and feel closer than before, in the face of utter despair. He will feel like our only option… he really is all we have.

To anyone out there in this time of passing, I send you my deepest condolences and love…

Last year I turned twenty two. I remember being really afraid because I was graduating with the intention of studying and preparing for grad school the following year. But when I actually met face to face with that reality, I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. Being a student gives you a primary identity of being a student, and it had been mine since grade school. Being stripped of it for the first time made me feel so naked and purposeless.

I remember waking up on several mornings asking myself if it was even worth it to get up. I had no one to see, nowhere demanding my attendance and nothing to do except study and be preserving in preparation. Preparation can be exhausting when you don’t believe the vision is attainable. I felt like I was in a perpetual state of uncertainty this year because I was preparing with no guarantee of success or failure. Is this worth it? How is this going to look on my resume if I don’t get in next year? Is it even what I really am called to do? Is God really with me right now? Am I making a huge mistake? These are the main doubts I continually wrestled with this year.

But I am actually so thankful for this bare stripped year. Bare skinned at its finest. I learned that in the moments I feel like I want to quit, there is strength I can glean from. There is a reservoir of grace that I can drink from. That believing takes time, and it never pushes. It waits until you are ready to truly believe. Freedom is letting go from the expectations I perceived people place on me, and ones I placed on myself. That last one I am still wrestling with, but I’m getting there. And lastly, Love is the first step in all things, the starting point to believing, to risking, to fighting. And time and time again, I felt like he was there saying, you’re still worth every drop of me… whether you do this or don’t do anything at all, whether you stay in bed all day because you feel unmotivated, whether you don’t even choose me first, you’re still worth it. It wasn’t a matter of just being unemployed, or not having a title, but a deeper understanding of love- unconditional love that he was trying to show me.

I turned 23 today. For me this feels like the senior year of the early twenty’s. It’s the last year I can mess around before I really become an adult. Ima yolo so hard this year lol. Twenty two was rooting, establishing, uprooting and softening, strengthening and believing. I believe twenty three will be the fruit of this year. Here’s to the next 365!!!!!!!