Friend- n.

calls you out when you’re wrong, covers you when you’re weak, laughs with you and at you, encourages you when you can’t believe for yourself, gives you space when you need to breathe, tries to empathize when its not natural for them to, pokes you to take risks, enjoys your joys and quirks.

Thankful for my friend.

random thoughts:

  • Respect and trust are earned, and it really bothers me when people expect me to give them mine
  • I find that people often devote themselves to a group to gain a sense of identity/ worth for themselves rather than actually believing in the cause of the group itself. this type of superficiality frustrates me
  • I still have this ongoing hate against men, on and off. I feel like a lot of them don’t know how to control their emotions. When they show any type of entitlement to a girl is… disgusting. So low. So weak.
  • Lastly, I really hope I get into law school, for many reasons. But a main one being, living in Seoul has really dulled my passion in culture, intellect, everything…? When was the last time I engaged in an intellectual challenging conversation besides in college discussions? I also feel ready to meet new people, and leave my life here that has gotten too comfortable for me.

many many thoughts tonight…

today I woke up with a nasty taste in my mouth. I could barely swallow my own saliva. It’s probably because the air has been so bad here in Seoul. When I tried to talk (to the Ajussi/old man in my building), my voice came out all groggy and husky.

YES!!!!!!!!!! Lord knows I love husky voices. Its silly but I really wish my voice could stay like this for a while. Cause who doesn’t like husky raspy sexy voicessss???!!!!

i like riding trains

So sometimes it baffles me at how incompetent or immobile I become in front of guys. No I’m talking like just men in general- like the specie itself kinda makes me freeze. I mean of course not all the time but like that one time when that guy came over and introduced himself, i couldn’t feel my hands. it wasn’t even a serious conversation. But the entire time I kept thinking my god please brain do not fail me now. it especially doesn’t help if they are cute. which this guy…mm. was okay.

I can’t remember if I was always like this but it makes me feel like such a girl! such a little girl at that. and it’s like wow suz, you’re twenty three dammit, pretty sure you had more game in high school than you do now. sometimes when my brain freezes, i see a map with all these dots over the place and I’m trying to find where is what and which is which.

the reason why this baffles me is because I know there is this completely different beyonce Suz inside me who knows she gotta it goin on you know. This is the suz that is on top of the game. This is the suz that doesn’t laugh at his jokes if they’re not funny, or the one that doesn’t play dumb to be “cute,” which I still don’t get why we girls do that. If this BeyoncĂ© Suz came out during the convo up there, I’m sure things would’ve been different. The contrast of these people…. is mind boggling to the point where I feel like a fraud. identity theft up in here.

yes, I’m initially terribly shy. but I think the more frustrating thing is this tendency to be a bit shyer or more submissive in front of men, even when Im aware of my BeyoncĂ© self. Is it a women thing? why do we fall back or quiet ourselves in their presence?