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bareskinned

How can I stop from loving you, even when I don’t want to. When I want to run away.

Your law is good. It’s better and it’s true. It weeds out and it waters.

You know the times of my life. You know when to wreck me and when to lift me up. You’re with me through it all.

It’s time to fly, be true to who you’ve made me to be. Time to trust and fall knowing your hands are my parachute.

Every fabric of my life, every inch of who I am. I am yours by your grace I am yours. 

It’s quiet

Mom and pop sleeping, Upstairs noisy, that damn dog won’t stop running around

I’m stranded

Waiting for my ride like I’m sixteen again, like I’m in first grade again

We need to listen

I hear the water running down the apartment complex, it’s always best to take a shower at night they said. Everybody hears but not everyone listens

And it’s good

Last weekend here, old friends gathered with cheers, here’s to the future and the present here and now

full circle

I’m here at the college I attended for about a month before moving my whole life to Korea at the age of barely 18. Sitting inside the library. One of my usual spots as a fresh freshman. 

What makes it even more special is to have Kihwan with me on this campus,  just as I was walking around four years ago by myself. He’s a sophomore here so I can see through his lens and also through my old ones too. University park, the main lawn, the sidewalks… it’s like digging up old first grade worksheets from that one box in the garage.

Back then I had no idea what was about to happen in my life, nor did I know how much change and healing God would bring in the upcoming four years. I would’ve never been filled with his spirit and love in such a radical way if it weren’t for him taking me out of this place and leading me to a completely new and seemingly deserted road. This place is good. But you had something better. This place was comfortable, but you wanted me to grow. 

God, thank you. I’m in tears of how beautiful this chapter has been. You know my story and you’re the best author in the world. You created the words renewal and redemption. You created the words 180 degrees and all things new. You know every detail of my life… you never miss a thing.

What spurs me on from this is how much I can expect you to lead me in the future with even greater things than just knowing which college to go to. Your promises ARE really true and REALLY good. I’m reminded of how you outdid yourself so beautifully just four years ago at this campus. 

Who knows me like you do? Who is invested in me like you are? Who knows the deeper desires and the smaller intricacies of my heart that are unspoken yet still heard? 

Lead me Lord. With greater strides and crazier faith. I’m in need of your spark in my life! The next four/ five years are right in front of me and I’m desperate for your adventures! If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. If you want me to go I’ll go. But today Im confessing how I love you and your hands… Your plays are unexpected but executed so outstandingly well. Tom Brady yesterday doesn’t even compare! Not even an inch to your calls! Your games are the best so pick me lord! Draft me into your team for some crazy wins and history. I can’t wait for more of these full circle moments and the in between process.  

Here’s to forward bound…. with the best coach, author and architect I know..!!

integrity

perseverance

believe

– because you’re allowed to
– because they believe in you
– because you know you want it too

for especially today 

The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.

-david foster wallace

group

wonder if I’ll ever feel like I’ll fit in

if I’ll ever find a tribe that knows my name

the more I grow up, the more I think friends and people are unnecessary. but undoubtedly a huge chunk of my soul longs for it deeply and deeper. 

maybe it’s because I moved so frequently during my adolescence, or because i didn’t get the typical American college experience. 

but blaming it on external situations is cheap, and i have too much respect for myself to identify as victim. i want to play fair. I am strong and these times have been clothes for my soul. 

a tribe that knows my name 

like a Wolfpack in the mountains, eyeing for protection or a flock of birds and the rhythm of their wings

even animals display loyalty- when will I discover this? Is this not for me?

No. “discover” is inefficient. I want to create. Lord, give me the lone wolves wanting a pack, the lost stars wanting a galaxy for their own. 

We will create, and be the tribe that knows your names.

a tribe that knows each name 

debating if I should just change what I go by back to my original, legal name- suji. 

when I tell someone what my name is, I always felt an inch of discomfort because it’s technically just the name I go by. It’s been like this for over ten years now. It’s not the name I hear God whisper to me. It’s not the name my parents call me by. And it’s not the name I feel like is me.

and changing your name or going back to your “real” name always has those weird consequences. What, your name is what? Why are you changing your name? Yadadadada 

Hi, I’m suji. 

Something new and exciting about it.

concrete jungles 

N train’s delayed again, take the W instead

ven the city children know how to dress cool

Who is considered weird in this city where wack is so wide

You do need to remember one thing- leave your facade at LGA

On 8th ave, try Kenka for the ambiance and Dumbo for views

Respect the people, even the crazy ones too

Kim’s, Johnson’s, Garcia’s and Tribbiani’s- each a part of one big apple whole

“We’re complicated; we want to be so many things. I want to be a boss and also be vulnerable. I want to be outspoken and respected, but also sexy and beautiful.

All women struggle to reconcile the different people that we are at all times, to merge our conflicting desires, to represent ourselves honestly and feel good about the inherent contradictions.”

read the full article here

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